It Was A Very Good Year...

Susan: 

Shannon continued to amaze our family with her strength, faith, and sheer will to live. In December of 2010, Shannon changed the focus of her blog, www.shoeaddictsurviving.wordpress.com, to shoeaddictthriving.blogspot.com. Everything about Shannon and her attitude was about thriving.

 

During this time period Shannon took two cake decorating classes, shopped for and refurbished antiques, painted rooms in her house, and created a space for Ben that she called his "Man Cave". Shannon bought new furniture for several rooms in her house. She participated in friends' birthday parties, weddings, and lived life as if there was a tomorrow. During this time she also taught a Discipleship Class on Sunday mornings with her husband Ben at our church. To say I was proud of her would be a gross understatement. I loved watching my girl thrive. 

 

There of course were times that Shannon would have to be taken out to the car to sit, or sit on the store floor for a few minutes to compose herself. But she didn’t let her cancer stop her. She continued to work at the Pentagon, enduring a hard commute for even a healthy person. 

This was a year in my memory that I draw so much strength from. I like to think about my determined and strong girl. Her new focus blog, started on December 30, 2010 and stopped with her last blog post on February 23, 2011. It was on February 28th that Shannon got the shocking news that her cancer had returned and spread with 5 new tumors. Shannon did not blog anymore after this but I do have her journal where she documents some of what she felt and writes in her unique style about the way the medical world looks at you when bad news is being delivered. 

For the next bit of time I am going to feature posts from Shannon’s blog from the time she felt she was thriving. You will be nothing short of entertained. Shannon had a gift for writing and my thought is that it should be included in this blog as well.

Strength in Weakness, Part 4

Susan:

This entry is a part of the blog where you may question what I say. You may ask, "Was Shannon in her right mind to make such a decision?" You may ask, "Why didn’t her husband step in and force the surgery on her?", "Why didn’t her mother vocalize what she felt and scream from the mountains, 'Have the surgery, Shannon! Have the surgery!'?"

This much I do know: our adult children will do as they want, not what we want. I lived this, I know.

It was January 2010; Shannon had finished 6 cycles of her clinical trial treatments. She was starting cycle 7 when she felt a small lump in the spot where the melanoma had been removed from her breast. She and her physician could not be certain that it was not breast fiber, scar tissue or something else for that matter. No conclusive results would be known medically without surgery. If Shannon’s cancer was back again, then for her it would mean going all the way back to Cycle 1 and starting again with 6 more months of the dreaded and sickening stomach shots of IL2.

Before Shannon and Ben told her father and me about the lump, they prayed. Shannon and Ben prayed until they felt they had direction and peace with their decision. Shannon told her father who in turn told me. No one knows about this but her immediate family. I am not sure she told anyone about this, ever. Shannon decided that she felt peace and should not have any surgery. Ben supported her decision. So when Sean told me that is how I was told. A decision was already made. Sean also felt that Shannon made the right decision. Christopher and I both had different feelings about this lump. I was happy and felt great joy that my daughter would trust the Lord with her body. She was exercising powerful faith. However, I felt Shannon should have the lump removed surgically. I felt that this was the only true way to know what it was and then deal with it accordingly. I felt that Shannon was in a fight for her life. I told Shannon one time-- only one time-- that I thought she should have surgery. She shut me down and told me to stop being negative. Shannon said what she needed was positive support. So that is what she got from me. But as hard as I tried I could not shake that uneasy feeling of the possibility of cancer being left to do its deadly work. Throughout the rest of Shannon’s battle that lump would come and go. In the end this is where the spreading began and took off like a wild fire. I never felt sicker at heart that I had been right. I didn’t want to be right.

I have shared these feelings with you for a testimony of what real strength in weakness is all about. What a gift my daughter received that she was able to have so much faith in her decision. For me? Well, for me my feelings are best left at the feet of a loving God, who loves me and will help me to emerge from the ashes I find myself in. I will emerge from the ashes a stronger woman, a more tender woman, who has suffered and learned a lesson that could only be taught by living it.

I know as a reader of my blog posts this one may seem so different to you. But it is an important entry. Shannon was strong in faith. Strong in love, strong really in everything she did. She was a truly amazing person who I respected and admired. She held fast to the promise she felt she had gotten from her Saviour. Was she right? Was she wrong? I don’t know. Is there a right? Is there a wrong? I don’t know. This I do know: Shannon teaches us all by how she lived and how she believed until she had no more breath.

Strength in Weakness, Part 3

Susan:

I can’t tell you the exact moment, the exact day, but I can tell you that when Shannon told me she and Ben were going to fly to Mexico for her first Christmas with cancer in December of 2009, I was shocked and upset. It was one of those moments, as her mom, that I did not hide how I felt. I told her to please reconsider, to go just one week later, to let us go with them-- I offered many alternative suggestions. But anyone that knows Shannon knows that once that little girl had her mind made up it was as good as done. She did offer to let us go with them but the more I thought about it and got the idea of what she was going for, I backed off. I did wonder how I was going to get through Christmas without her. She was really such a big part of our little family and the only other female beside me.

So Shannon and Ben were booked on a flight to leave BWI on Sunday December 20th. To fly, Shannon had to make several different accommodations for herself. She had to bring medicine that had to be refrigerated. She had to make special arrangements with the airline to transport the medicine. Shannon had to fly with a compression sleep and glove and this would be her first time testing it out. I worried about many things.  If she swelled what would they do for her in Mexico? Also, if she got sick with any side effects what would they be able to do for her in Mexico? How would they be able to fly her back to the states if she had swelling due to the ancillary lymph node dissection?

I don’t know if Shannon gave much thought to any of that. She was not the worrier that I was, thankfully!

The first thing Shannon and Ben had to overcome was a huge snow storm. The storm began on Saturday night and continued on into Sunday the day they left. They got out of BWI right before they shut down the airport. Breathe Susan breathe! OK – on their way. I prayed hard that she had no reactions to the compression in the plane. 

Once Shannon and Ben arrived we could not call due to roaming charges and I wanted to let her find her way and get settled but she did email me to let me know they had arrived and she described the little room off the lobby where she could email and also Skype with me and her dad.

Shannon also let us know that she did not swell badly and by the time we spoke the swelling was going down. So far so good right?

During this week Shannon and Ben did many fun things. They spent time on the beach-- for Shannon this meant totally covered. They took an excursion to see ruins. They swam with dolphins and we have a picture of Shannon kissing one with her compression sleeve on. They had romantic dinners under the moonlight and tried different dishes. 

When Christmas day came I had arranged to do things differently to try to make up for her absence. Sean’s Dad, his brother Mark, Christopher, Sean and me all went to Carroll’s Creek for brunch. It was all very nice. Afterward, Christopher, Sean and me watched Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Jr. That night Christopher’s kids were flying in from Florida for their Christmas break weekly stay with their dad. So we had something to be excited about. But for me the highlight of that day was when we got on Skype with Shannon. I craved her female presence in our family gatherings. I did not love one of my children more than the other. But I had one very sick child in Mexico and she was my only daughter and I desperately craved her presence. After we used Skype and I laughed at her antics and funny stories I felt relaxed and ready to enjoy the rest of my family evening. Everything just felt right with the world.

Shannon probably had some type of internal bucket list or something like that. Because she was constantly reaching beyond what was expected of her. Doing for others in extraordinary ways and treating herself and her husband to an unusual but fun way to spend Christmas when you have recently been given a prognosis of 3-5 years to live. Looking back now I see so many things that she did that were daring and areas where she absolutely pushed herself beyond her physical limit.

Shannon was living her life to the fullest and enjoying each moment as if it could be her last. Her motto when she talked to me was always-- she was hoping for healing but if it was not to be so then she accepted that she might die. She was mature beyond her years and made me very proud by the example that she set. 

Strength in Weakness, Part 2

Susan: 


This is the second selfless act that I want to tell you about. It is the story of Shannon taking part in her cousins wedding in South Carolina in September of 2009.

When Shannon was diagnosed and began her treatments she was determined to be in her cousins bridal party. I actually had conversations with Shannon and it went something like this: "Shannon- don't you think this is just too much? The wedding is going to take place during your stomach shots of IL2." Shannon would just say,  "Mom I will be okay." She would say, "Somehow I am going to do this." I really felt she was grasping for something that she was not going to be able to physically do. I had already seen two months of what the IL2 did to her.

Shannon could not administer the four stomach shots of IL2 herself. Ben, Shannon's husband, had to give her the shots. It was hard on him I know but just like everything else, Ben was a tower of strength and calm for Shannon. During these treatments Shannon had all kinds of medications she had to take all night long. She would run fevers, would retain fluids, she would get the rigors, where her body shook uncontrollably. She turned bright red for days with a rash all over her face and upper body. She also would get a hard knot in her stomach that hurt and stayed hard for a very long time. She was nauseous and would vomit and have diarrhea. She would cry during the night and not be able to sleep. During these four days she could not really eat anything. So she felt sick and weak. It was a hard treatment but we had such hope in its outcome.

Shannon had worked it out with her clinical trial nurse that she would start her IL2 shots the month of the wedding on Monday, ending it on Thursday. She and Ben drove to South Carolina on Wednesday with the intention to get her down there relaxed in her hotel and so she could help her cousin with preparations.

After arriving in South Carolina she helped Lauren, her cousin, with many different things in preparation. I arrived on Friday around 2 and met her along with the bridal party at a manicure place. I took one look at Shannon and was shocked at how bad she looked. It turned my stomach. I said to her, "Shannon, are you okay?" This time Shannon actually took me aside and told me how very sick she had been. How she had been up the entire night and was the sickest she had been so far. I wanted to just take her in my arms and hold her and protect her from this vicious cancer and the treatments. But instead, we went into the salon.

That night we had the rehearsal dinner and she still prevailed and acted strong. She was so sick though. The following day she woke up and went back to work getting things ready for the wedding.

Everything turned out lovely and the wedding was so wonderful. But my little girl was so very sick through the whole thing.

Shannon's drive home also was difficult because she had not brought a pillow and had to have a seat belt cut across her stomach where she had four fresh, hurtful, hard knots. She wept going home.

Later, when my son was looking at the wedding pictures he asked me, "Mom, why does everyone look good in these pictures but Shannon?" I then told him the story. Many people might not have had a clue throughout all of this, but she was a very sick girl during this time.

I wanted to tell this because this was just another example of how Shannon was determined to not allow this cancer to keep her down. She wanted to be a part of this special time with her cousin. She managed it. I was very proud of her. I hope you all are too!

Strength in Weakness

Susan:

This begins a series of posts that will tell about the heroic and full of faith steps Shannon took in her life after diagnosis. She lived hard and strong. Having faith all along that she would be healed she also gave her life back to God many times in prayer to take or to heal. She was small in stature but strong in faith.

After finding out her diagnosis and prognosis, surgeries, and finding the only clinical trial in the area that offered hope, Shannon moved on to the next natural step of her life. On July 2, 2009, Shannon bought her first and last brand new black VW bug. She could not have been more excited. When she drove it by here to show me my internal reaction was, "Shannon you are dying, why would you buy a new car?" But Shannon had 2 1/2 years with that car and she enjoyed every minute of it.

The second thing Shannon did is this: on my birthday, July 9, 2009, she went to Franklin Square and picked up her shots and all the equipment she would need to administer both leg shots of IL2 and stomach shots of IL2. She and Ben came home and did the first of her leg shots. Shannon then ran to Sam's Club, buying me a birthday cake, Ben went to buy us all dinner, then Sean took me on the boat and there they were all waiting for us on the end of a pier with dinner and cake and Shannon in her glory showing strength in physical weakness.

This was just the beginning of things she did for others and that is what I will continue with for a while.

Learning Golf -- And Other Excuses for New Shoes

Shannon:

August 11, 2009

Make fun of me and I'll get you.

Upon the occasion of receiving my compression sleeve my husband commemorated said event by buying me my very own set of golf clubs. Now I am not the most athletic of women, but in my determination to be a vivacious individual with a positive outlook on life I am willing to give it a go. Saturday and Sunday we went to the driving range so that I could learn how to swing the golf club, and in theory hit the ball while doing it. I would like to emphasize the “in theory” of the previous statement. After I geared up with my compression sleeve and gauntlet, I lined up my feet and shoulders, adjusted my grip on the club, concentrated on moving my arms according to my husband’s directions, and swung with all my might.

Much to my chagrin the ball was still sitting perkily on the tee winking up at me…I swear the malicious little thing was laughing at me. Thus I learned my very first lesson of golf: you don’t watch your club, you watch the ball.

I think I can apply that little lesson to my treatments. If the treatment in it’s entirty is the club and the cycle I am in is the ball…I just need to keep my eye on the ball. I can’t think, “I am only starting my second month and this goes for two years.” I need to instead look at the cycle for what it is. I am already on day 5 and I only have 9 more days of this drug, 4 days of the second, and then I am back on my 10 days of rest. It really doesn’t seem so bad after all when I look at it like that. But back to golf.

So after a couple/few swings without connecting with anything, I kept my head down and actually hit the ball! It was a glorious feeling of accomplishment. Sure the ball sliced all the way to the right and only landed about 15 feet away, but I actually hit it. I actually started to get the hang of it, and the more I concentrated on the ball instead of everything else the better I hit it. The second night we went to the driving range went much better. I was consistent and hit the ball straight. I just can’t hit the ball very far. I think the best compliment was from my silence prone husband on the way home when he said, “You weren’t as bad as I thought you would be.” He just warms my heart.

So with two “lessons” under my belt I am going golfing on a nine hole course this coming weekend. I of course need golf clothes. A brilliant smile has lit my face as I realize that golf has given me a perfect excuse to buy new shoes. My grin widens as another thought hits me. “I wonder what else I can start learning that I have to buy new shoes for?” and then “Could I talk Ben into ballroom dancing?” I gathered myself and went to Dick’s Sporting Goods in order to get some golf shoes. I quickly discovered that the smallest women’s size golf shoe was a size 6 and so I was ushered over to where the children’s section was. There were four boys shoes and one girls shoe. I have no clue how to convert a woman’s 5.5 shoe size into a child’s size so the salesman brought out a range of shoes. I was a size 3. So now I am the proud owner of one pair of girl’s size 3 white golf shoes with pink polka dots. At least they match my clubs.

Don’t let the bumps in life’s road derail you from trying and learning new things. Take on the challenges and adventures that come your way and always do it with style.

Audacity: The Art of Boldness

Shannon:

August 1, 2009

Today I started a daily tradition that I believe I will continue. I looked up the synonyms for the word “boldness”. I loved the list of words that came up. Also in my search for boldness, synonyms for the words “audacity”, “chutzpah”, and ”assurance” came up as associated words with boldness. Here are some of my favorite synonyms under boldness, audacity, and assurance:

1. Chutzpah
2. Courage
3. Daring
4. Dauntlessness
5. Determination
6. Aplomb
7. Faith
8. Poise
9. Trust
10. Valor

I have had blessed assurance through my diagnosis, subsequent tests, surgeries, and treatment. I also had boldness when talking and dealing with my doctors. I find that I am going to need audacity when I have to do some of the things that make me feel a little foolish. Some of the things that might make me feel a little foolish are the precautions I now have to take.

There are many precautions that you have to take when you have had an ancillary lymph node dissection (removal of the lymph nodes). My lymph node dissection was on my right side under my arm so some of my precautions are related specifically to the right arm. Here is a very helpful link to the precautionshttp://www.breastcancer.org/tips/lymphedema/avoid.jsp .

The risk of infection is the main reason for many of the precautions listed. So now I need to avoid being poked, bitten, scratched or cut now. So with this in mind here comes my need for audacity. I went to a crab-feast today. Now anyone who has ever picked steamed crabs knows that you get tiny little cuts all over your hands. So to prevent myself from getting lymphedema I have to wear a glove on my right hand.

Maryland Steamed Crab...Yum!

So here I am. Yes, I got laughed at a little, but the same audacity that allows me to wear neon pink maryjane stilettos allows me to rock my new look. I have to say that I wish I wore a glove on the other hand as well. I did not get any cuts on the hand I wore the glove on and when I was finished I just wipped off the glove and viola! Finished.

I of course tied in my outfit so that I matched my glove. I wore a bright blue lace cami under this top and a blue and silver tooled leather belt. My shoes unfortunately were downgraded to mere flip flops…it is a dirty crabfeast after all!

No matter how silly you may feel the most important thing is to enjoy yourself and your time with your family and friends and of course to do it with style!

Details and Diagnosis

Susan:

After Shannon's discovery of the lump in her breast, appointments were made and the quest was on to find out what she had going on in her body.

On 4/2/2009, Shannon had an appointment with her OB/GYN, for a physical exam with Dr. P. Dr. P. told Shannon that he also felt that the lump was most likely a cyst. He gave her a referral to a Radiology Center for an ultrasound followed by a mammogram if the lump was found to be solid.

Shannon went to the Radiology Center on 4/6/2009. The technician performed a sonogram on Shannon and after that she met with the radiologist. The radiologist began his talk with Shannon by showing her the cyst on the screen and reassuring her that she would be fine. He talked to her for a while and then he stopped talking. He paused, looking at her record jacket and her name, comparing it to the name on the film. At this point the Radiologist realized that he was looking at another patients results. My poor daughter was experiencing incompetence once again. The radiologist apologized, looked at her sonogram and then ordered a mammogram. Shannon knew at this point that the lump was solid.

On 4/7/2009, Shannon got a call from Dr. P. asking her to pick up her films from the Radiology Center and take them to Anne Arundel Breast Center. Shannon was then scheduled for an ultrasound core biopsy on 4/20/2009.

On 4/22/2009, Shannon took a call that rocked her world. She was told by Dr. P. that the lump in her breast was the cancer-- Melanoma. Dr. P. referred Shannon for an appointment with an Oncology surgeon, Dr. G on 4/23/2009. I was to go with her for this appointment.

Let me stop here for a moment to tell you how we felt. I cannot speak for Shannon but I can tell you this-- when she called to tell me that she had melanoma, I immediately knew how grave this situation was. Shannon and I both wept a little on the phone and I asked her if Ben was with her. She said no-- she didn't really want anyone with her because all anyone could do is stare at her and feel sorry for her. I said OK and that I loved her and hung up.

I left my work day early and came home, calling Sean along the way and breaking the sad news to him. Once he got home we both had long, heartbroken cries. I cried for a good long while and then I sat up in the bed and thought- what am I doing? I went to get Sean and said- let's go to her, she needs us. Let's stop on the way and buy her flowers, pajamas, stuffed animals, her favorite candy and anything else we can find to cheer her. And so that is what we did. We entered a sad, quiet house and brought along the biggest ray of hope and sunshine that we could muster at this point.

We ordered pizza as a family and ate together. We prayed together as a family. Beginning the long journey of faith we would all follow. We loved on Shannon and Ben and let them know they had our support and our continued prayers. Thinking back, I remember a smile that crossed my baby girls face that night. A smile that said, "I love you mom, dad and Christopher, I love you Ben." She could feel our prayers already.

Next post- meeting Dr. G. and surgeries and referrals to a medical oncologist.