Strength in Weakness, Part 5

Susan:


My last blog post, Strength in Weakness Part 4, spoke about a very low time in my life in dealing with Shannon’s cancer and her prognosis. However for my dear Shannon this was not a low time. Shannon was actually entering into the best year she would have with her cancer, feeling better, stronger and definitely up to more adventures.

During this time, Shannon and a few of her friends decided they would start a monthly girl’s night. I was not included in the girl nights-but was often entertained by Shannon the next day with stories of what they did. I am sure I got the censored version.

The girls would take turns hosting the nights at one or the other’s homes and their husbands would be told to scoot or make themselves scarce. From what I was told most of the husbands gladly left the young woman on their own.

Some of the stories I remember hearing were about the laughter that would set in as they met to eat and share time with each other. Shannon would say that even into the wee hours of the morning a few of the girls would hang tight and would end up doing nothing more than laughing over the silliest of things. I imagine now what a great rest of mind this must have been for Shannon and how laughter made her heart feel lighter.

I know one friend would always bring sushi. This was one of Shannon’s favorite things- right up there with- Mountain Dew and Carlson’s donuts (much to my chagrin!) Shannon would tell me over and over how I just needed to try this great Sushi. How she knew I would love it. Well I never did try the Sushi and to be honest this is not something I am regretting today.

I know these young women would have small birthday and Christmas exchanges. Shannon would often handcraft some new project to give as a gift to these dear friends.

I am fairly certain that these monthly get together’s continued right through the remainder of her life. Sometimes they would have to come to her and I am sure toward the end Shannon might have cancelled. But I know this- the day of Shannon’s passing, one of these dear girls lay on her bed and scratched her head and sang to her. She sang, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus". The friend later told me that she was not sure if Shannon was singing with her or praying but even as life was about to ebb from her precious body she was with one of these faithful friends.

To be the friend of a dying person is in itself strength in weakness, both for Shannon and for her friends. I think back to these stories and it is with a fond and happy memory to think of Shannon laughing till all hours of the night with the young women God put in her life for that precise time.

Strength in Weakness, Part 4

Susan:

This entry is a part of the blog where you may question what I say. You may ask, "Was Shannon in her right mind to make such a decision?" You may ask, "Why didn’t her husband step in and force the surgery on her?", "Why didn’t her mother vocalize what she felt and scream from the mountains, 'Have the surgery, Shannon! Have the surgery!'?"

This much I do know: our adult children will do as they want, not what we want. I lived this, I know.

It was January 2010; Shannon had finished 6 cycles of her clinical trial treatments. She was starting cycle 7 when she felt a small lump in the spot where the melanoma had been removed from her breast. She and her physician could not be certain that it was not breast fiber, scar tissue or something else for that matter. No conclusive results would be known medically without surgery. If Shannon’s cancer was back again, then for her it would mean going all the way back to Cycle 1 and starting again with 6 more months of the dreaded and sickening stomach shots of IL2.

Before Shannon and Ben told her father and me about the lump, they prayed. Shannon and Ben prayed until they felt they had direction and peace with their decision. Shannon told her father who in turn told me. No one knows about this but her immediate family. I am not sure she told anyone about this, ever. Shannon decided that she felt peace and should not have any surgery. Ben supported her decision. So when Sean told me that is how I was told. A decision was already made. Sean also felt that Shannon made the right decision. Christopher and I both had different feelings about this lump. I was happy and felt great joy that my daughter would trust the Lord with her body. She was exercising powerful faith. However, I felt Shannon should have the lump removed surgically. I felt that this was the only true way to know what it was and then deal with it accordingly. I felt that Shannon was in a fight for her life. I told Shannon one time-- only one time-- that I thought she should have surgery. She shut me down and told me to stop being negative. Shannon said what she needed was positive support. So that is what she got from me. But as hard as I tried I could not shake that uneasy feeling of the possibility of cancer being left to do its deadly work. Throughout the rest of Shannon’s battle that lump would come and go. In the end this is where the spreading began and took off like a wild fire. I never felt sicker at heart that I had been right. I didn’t want to be right.

I have shared these feelings with you for a testimony of what real strength in weakness is all about. What a gift my daughter received that she was able to have so much faith in her decision. For me? Well, for me my feelings are best left at the feet of a loving God, who loves me and will help me to emerge from the ashes I find myself in. I will emerge from the ashes a stronger woman, a more tender woman, who has suffered and learned a lesson that could only be taught by living it.

I know as a reader of my blog posts this one may seem so different to you. But it is an important entry. Shannon was strong in faith. Strong in love, strong really in everything she did. She was a truly amazing person who I respected and admired. She held fast to the promise she felt she had gotten from her Saviour. Was she right? Was she wrong? I don’t know. Is there a right? Is there a wrong? I don’t know. This I do know: Shannon teaches us all by how she lived and how she believed until she had no more breath.

Strength in Weakness, Part 3

Susan:

I can’t tell you the exact moment, the exact day, but I can tell you that when Shannon told me she and Ben were going to fly to Mexico for her first Christmas with cancer in December of 2009, I was shocked and upset. It was one of those moments, as her mom, that I did not hide how I felt. I told her to please reconsider, to go just one week later, to let us go with them-- I offered many alternative suggestions. But anyone that knows Shannon knows that once that little girl had her mind made up it was as good as done. She did offer to let us go with them but the more I thought about it and got the idea of what she was going for, I backed off. I did wonder how I was going to get through Christmas without her. She was really such a big part of our little family and the only other female beside me.

So Shannon and Ben were booked on a flight to leave BWI on Sunday December 20th. To fly, Shannon had to make several different accommodations for herself. She had to bring medicine that had to be refrigerated. She had to make special arrangements with the airline to transport the medicine. Shannon had to fly with a compression sleep and glove and this would be her first time testing it out. I worried about many things.  If she swelled what would they do for her in Mexico? Also, if she got sick with any side effects what would they be able to do for her in Mexico? How would they be able to fly her back to the states if she had swelling due to the ancillary lymph node dissection?

I don’t know if Shannon gave much thought to any of that. She was not the worrier that I was, thankfully!

The first thing Shannon and Ben had to overcome was a huge snow storm. The storm began on Saturday night and continued on into Sunday the day they left. They got out of BWI right before they shut down the airport. Breathe Susan breathe! OK – on their way. I prayed hard that she had no reactions to the compression in the plane. 

Once Shannon and Ben arrived we could not call due to roaming charges and I wanted to let her find her way and get settled but she did email me to let me know they had arrived and she described the little room off the lobby where she could email and also Skype with me and her dad.

Shannon also let us know that she did not swell badly and by the time we spoke the swelling was going down. So far so good right?

During this week Shannon and Ben did many fun things. They spent time on the beach-- for Shannon this meant totally covered. They took an excursion to see ruins. They swam with dolphins and we have a picture of Shannon kissing one with her compression sleeve on. They had romantic dinners under the moonlight and tried different dishes. 

When Christmas day came I had arranged to do things differently to try to make up for her absence. Sean’s Dad, his brother Mark, Christopher, Sean and me all went to Carroll’s Creek for brunch. It was all very nice. Afterward, Christopher, Sean and me watched Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Jr. That night Christopher’s kids were flying in from Florida for their Christmas break weekly stay with their dad. So we had something to be excited about. But for me the highlight of that day was when we got on Skype with Shannon. I craved her female presence in our family gatherings. I did not love one of my children more than the other. But I had one very sick child in Mexico and she was my only daughter and I desperately craved her presence. After we used Skype and I laughed at her antics and funny stories I felt relaxed and ready to enjoy the rest of my family evening. Everything just felt right with the world.

Shannon probably had some type of internal bucket list or something like that. Because she was constantly reaching beyond what was expected of her. Doing for others in extraordinary ways and treating herself and her husband to an unusual but fun way to spend Christmas when you have recently been given a prognosis of 3-5 years to live. Looking back now I see so many things that she did that were daring and areas where she absolutely pushed herself beyond her physical limit.

Shannon was living her life to the fullest and enjoying each moment as if it could be her last. Her motto when she talked to me was always-- she was hoping for healing but if it was not to be so then she accepted that she might die. She was mature beyond her years and made me very proud by the example that she set. 

Strength in Weakness, Part 2

Susan: 


This is the second selfless act that I want to tell you about. It is the story of Shannon taking part in her cousins wedding in South Carolina in September of 2009.

When Shannon was diagnosed and began her treatments she was determined to be in her cousins bridal party. I actually had conversations with Shannon and it went something like this: "Shannon- don't you think this is just too much? The wedding is going to take place during your stomach shots of IL2." Shannon would just say,  "Mom I will be okay." She would say, "Somehow I am going to do this." I really felt she was grasping for something that she was not going to be able to physically do. I had already seen two months of what the IL2 did to her.

Shannon could not administer the four stomach shots of IL2 herself. Ben, Shannon's husband, had to give her the shots. It was hard on him I know but just like everything else, Ben was a tower of strength and calm for Shannon. During these treatments Shannon had all kinds of medications she had to take all night long. She would run fevers, would retain fluids, she would get the rigors, where her body shook uncontrollably. She turned bright red for days with a rash all over her face and upper body. She also would get a hard knot in her stomach that hurt and stayed hard for a very long time. She was nauseous and would vomit and have diarrhea. She would cry during the night and not be able to sleep. During these four days she could not really eat anything. So she felt sick and weak. It was a hard treatment but we had such hope in its outcome.

Shannon had worked it out with her clinical trial nurse that she would start her IL2 shots the month of the wedding on Monday, ending it on Thursday. She and Ben drove to South Carolina on Wednesday with the intention to get her down there relaxed in her hotel and so she could help her cousin with preparations.

After arriving in South Carolina she helped Lauren, her cousin, with many different things in preparation. I arrived on Friday around 2 and met her along with the bridal party at a manicure place. I took one look at Shannon and was shocked at how bad she looked. It turned my stomach. I said to her, "Shannon, are you okay?" This time Shannon actually took me aside and told me how very sick she had been. How she had been up the entire night and was the sickest she had been so far. I wanted to just take her in my arms and hold her and protect her from this vicious cancer and the treatments. But instead, we went into the salon.

That night we had the rehearsal dinner and she still prevailed and acted strong. She was so sick though. The following day she woke up and went back to work getting things ready for the wedding.

Everything turned out lovely and the wedding was so wonderful. But my little girl was so very sick through the whole thing.

Shannon's drive home also was difficult because she had not brought a pillow and had to have a seat belt cut across her stomach where she had four fresh, hurtful, hard knots. She wept going home.

Later, when my son was looking at the wedding pictures he asked me, "Mom, why does everyone look good in these pictures but Shannon?" I then told him the story. Many people might not have had a clue throughout all of this, but she was a very sick girl during this time.

I wanted to tell this because this was just another example of how Shannon was determined to not allow this cancer to keep her down. She wanted to be a part of this special time with her cousin. She managed it. I was very proud of her. I hope you all are too!